Live It Up

I’ve always been hesitant to renovate my kitchen. Why? Well, for starters, there’s that whole cliche about how it destroys marriages. I’m not married but even so, it indicates that the undertaking is highly stressful. As a director of luxury funerals, I can do without adding more stressful undertakings to my life (pun intended). 

And before your ask: yes, luxury funerals are a thing. It’s a little known industry, because it’s not the kind of lifestyle product our clients like to advertise themselves as consumers of. The stakes are pretty high in this arena, because not only are people spending a lot of money, but they’ve also just lost a loved one. At the very least, they’ve just lost a wealthy relative, investor or benefactor, and processing that kind of loss tends to set people on edge even if they’re only moderately upset about it. 

Point is, I don’t need more stress in the form of a brand new kitchen installation. Melbourne might be the most liveable city in the world, but evidently plenty of people still manage to struggle here. I would know all about that. Maybe if they weren’t so intent on having the latest European appliances, functional storage configurations, space efficient layouts and designer finishes… well, I don’t want to say they’d still be alive. Most of the people I direct funerals for are not exactly spring chickens. But still, you take my point, right?

That said, what if I could get my dream kitchen without having to go through all the stress around it? What if that’s entirely within reach, and most people simply don’t realise that? What if everyone’s making a mountain out of a molehill? Besides, how stressful can it really be compared to organising a human cannon covered externally in live jasmine, as per the conflicting instructions of three daughters, one nephew and one second cousin twice removed?

Choosing surface finishes for a brand new breakfast bar? Piece of cake. You only live once, after all.